Thursday, October 28, 2010

My two Biggest Pet Peeves!!

Ok, so dig it. I have these two pet peeves. Luckily, my family never do these offenses, so they at least, are off the hook. Unfortunately for me, however, I do encounter these offenses almost every day while at work or while getting there.

First of all, I drive to work. I come from South Philadelphia to Center City every day by car. It's an expensive, indulgent habit, but it's what I do. When I get to the Walnut Towers garage to park, I expect certain things. I expect there to be an open spot to park, and I expect to get to said spot in a normal timely fashion. What I don't want is to follow some slow poke at 2 miles an hour as we ascend for what seems like eternity. Yes, my pet peeve #1 is snails who drive 2 miles an hour in the garage. Common sense should tell these drivers that when you're in the city, and you come in around 8:30 am, that MOST of the spots on levels 1, 2, and 3 are ALREADY TAKEN! Stop dilly-dallying or trying to squeeze your Escalade Cadillac into a tight spot on level 3. Don't you realize this building goes up like six fucking floors?? Why squeeze your expensive car into a tight spot, begging for dings, and taking up my precious time, when you could speed up to the 5th floor and VOILA, omg, its like magic, there are spots all over the place. Get a fucking clue. Stop driving like you're a horse, and I'm in the goddamn buggy saying GIDDY UP. If I had a whip, I'd beat your hypothetical horse.

AHHHH!!!! Breathe. Deep breath. Okay. On to pet peeve #2.

Pet peeve #2 has to do with doctors. I work in a large physician practice. All of the doctors I work for are considerate and pleasant and normal. They aren't on ego trips, and they aren't obnoxious. My pet peeve is that our office is in a hospital building, and it's all the OTHER doctors that get on my last nerve. Why you ask? Well, it's only when they do this one particular thing, that makes me want to snap. It's a simple matter of etiquette to me and yet it's more than that. This pet peeve of mine occurs in the elevator. There is such a thing as elevator etiquette. In most NORMAL settings, people get on, punch their floor, and THEN (this is the etiquette part I'm speaking of) they MOVE TO THE SPOT IN THE ELEVATOR that signals what floor they will be exiting on. For example, If I get on the elevator with two other people, and I push 10 and the other woman presses 2, and the man presses 5, I would naturally move further back on the elevator to give deference to those exiting before me. This seems the logical and polite thing to do. Normally, when people are able to, I see them arrange themselves in this manner. But then I step into the hospital setting, and ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. (well in my head while on the elevator)
I get on and press the 4th floor. I feel I'm midway up, I stand midway in the elevator. This doctor gets on on level 2. He's not dumb. He sees 4 pressed, he presses 11, then stands right up front in the elevator, his nose practically pressed against the door, and stands there as if to say, I KNOW YOU'RE LEAVING ON FOUR, WALK THE FUCK AROUND ME, I'M TOO BUSY TO CARE. Ok, so my therapist would've called my interpretation of his position as what they call personalizing a situation. Of course he probably wasn't trying to be a boorish, elitist pig, but hey, it sure seems like it to me! And its always the NEW doctors, high on their intellectual hogs that do these tricks. They know damn right well they are fucking in the way, but they fucking stand there, when there is ROOM at the BACK of the elevator. I feel like screaming, "hey doctor, get to the back of the elevator! Its not the same as the back of the bus, and even if it were, you aint no minority!!"
Am I being totally picky and neurotic about this?
Oh, okay. In conjunction with pet peeve #2, when you say "excuse me" as you're trying to get off the elevator, why do people NOT move?? Do they think i'm saying excuse me because I might brush up against them? NO, when i say, "excuse me" i mean, get the fuck out of the way asshole. ok.
so much for my communications class.
I am still impatient and impulsive. Thank God I can hold it in. Well, in the elevator at least!!!! LOL

Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Jew-Girl inside of Me

Ahhh…. a quiet moment alone…my daughter finally released me from her presence and my hubby flew out the door to band practice…his metal band has a gig this saturday night at the Troc in our city… since i don't want either of them involved in reading this blog, i have to do this on the down LO, and such a thing is not as easy as you’d think. but tonight, ahhhh some free ME time. oh wait…teenager knocked on door twice, AND stole my bed blanket…hers is just going into the dryer now…see how this all works??? Its a good thing i’m not sleepy eh?? cuz my bedroom AC is kickin out some freeziness!!! (BTW old AC is still sitting in the same position – u know the one hubby trips over every night before getting into bed?? lol)
naturally….because of this free time i’m at a loss of what to write or bitch about, so i’ll just ramble on, and hopefully you’ll keep reading. lol
so…this week my daughter discovered the comedienne Sarah Silverman. She loves this woman’s comedy, splashed with racial jokes and stereotypes, mixed with jewish humor and real life situations, which she somehow twists to into humor…. so we watched a bunch of her stand up routines and videos that she’s made … like “give the jew girl toys” TOO FUNNY…
so my new husband is jewish. but i wish he was a religious jew. ok well then we might not be married, so maybe a lil half religious? u know…do like the catholics and go to church on xmas and easter….? or in his case…to synagogue for Passover and Yom Kippur?? lol  in reality, all i realllly want is to DO hannukka !! Or Channuka. i dunno…my spell check is telling me that jew is not a word. and it’s also telling me that i’m spelling jewish christmas wrong. ok well whatever…so i’m in a christian neighborhood in my city and i went looking for a menorah so that we could light the candles. the menorah is my favorite part of Hannuka. well…its the only part i know, and i really DONT know the whole ritual/stories/prayers that go with it, but i’m looking into it. So i’ve said to hubby, for the past so many years, lets do Hannuka…!!! To which he says NO WAYYY i dont do religion. but he does christmas with us?? hmmmmm ok. i wanna do hannuka. i want 7 days of gifts, or favors, or speciallll favors hehehehe, or some twist on the ole tradition. SPEAKING OF TRADITION!!! i went to the center city theatre and saw the musical “Fiddler on the Roof”. I’m a theatre whore now….i MUST go back…but i digress….back to the menorah. i honestly dont know which scares hubby more….the religion or the 7 days of gifting…lmfao. so back to the shopping…i couldnt find a menorah anywhereeeee not even a cheezy plastic one…not even at the DOLLAR store!!!! wtf. the only ones i could find were online. and omg, if u google menorahs, you will find HUNDREDS of beauties…made of all different substances…from wood, to metal, to hand-blown glass, the list is fantastic and the styles were from traditional to abstract!!
here’s two of my favorites:

I think i’ll buy the top one this year, our first year married will be in November….hannuka will be shortly afterwards…sometime in december….and frankly, i wish i had ignored him and just gotten a menorah anyhow and celebrated whether he liked it or not. Seriously, if he were a practicing jew, i’d probably give up my jesuis for him. well, sorta. lol. i’d convert to judaism, as long as they dont out right as me to deny , my jesus in a swear or anything…lol  ok well anyhow….what i’m trying to say is…i find the whole jewish culture very interesting…and esp their traditions…and since his parents are no longer in alive, even if they themselves werent practicing jews, their sons should AT LEAST carry on the traditions, if not the religion…. i should be jewish. i like flat bread, latkes,circumsized penises and 7 days of presents…a girl could get used to such stuff!! hehehehehe  seriously, i was raised mormon. go figure. i dont practice that religion anymore, and quite frankly after what i read about how the mormon church proliferated proposition 8 in california…to define marriage as strictly between a man and a woman….i’m ashamed i was ever PART of that religion. sometimes i miss religion in my life. i have a very secret spiritual side that needs expressing…but i keep it hidden and suppress it because seriously…i dont think anyone would participate with me. maybe i’ll check out the unitarians. they are pretty non-denominational and non judgemental and free thinking…or so i’ve heard. but the lil jew girl inside of me doesnt want that. she wants to be jewish. special. CHOSEN.
Ok…so shout out here…i have a married friend whose wife is a semi-religious jewish woman….gimme some tips…you’ve been with her long enough to get to participate in these traditions….help me bring out my inner jew girl. c’mon. u know you want to. LMFAO
well, i'ts almost time for me to go watch some guidos and guidettes beat the shit outta each other on jersey shore, so peace out peeps!!!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

so many rants….so little time…

You know how you’re mom would’ve said, don’t listen to gossip, those people are just jealous or they have low self-esteem??
Well….i do believe that mom was right. But another funny thing is… the gossipers usually live in glass houses… have you noticed THAT bit of irony?? God, well i have!
For example, you might be calling you’re friend a cunt, but you are one yourself!! You might be blasting someone’s parenting skills, but you’re putting your lil angels to bed and then getting high while they sleep. Or you might be putting on airs, acting like your shit don’t stink, that you’re so preppy, but you were really born in the ghetto and just forget yourself….
This and much much more. And whatever happened to accountability? If I fuck up, I admit it. I don’t frantically look around at others and try to justify my wrongs thru theirs… HYPOTHETICALLY speaking…if your boss calls you out on the rug for some infraction, DONT go bringing MY name into it...comparing yourself to me (as IF).
So number ONE, how do YOU know what’s said to me and what isn't? and number 2, thaaaaaaaaats right bitches, i AM special…hypothetically speaking that is.
A friend of mine and i were talking about how my journal is going to be full of hypothetical events with no names attached and she said, you should’ve called your blog “the hypothetical blog”….funny, but i didnt want to change it, cause as we speak, chores are piling up on this lovely sunday. i must go abroad (my code word for go outside omg) this day and do some errands, but my lazy liza inner voice is saying nooooooooo. i think my inner voice is agoraphobic, esp since it thinks getting off the couch is akin to going abroad…. but i digress.
I had soo many rants for you on friday but i came home and vegged in front of the tv instead. The week just dragged on and friday busted my chops by lingering that last hour into infinity… hence the vegetative evening.
i know, i know, the flower is random, but pretty eh?
i’m watching Lethal Weapon as i blog. It came on right after Mel Gibson biography on the BIO channel. I have a love/hate ideal of Mel Gibson. I wish i could go back to the 80s and 90s when i had nothing but love for the handsome actor…but time marches on and so does Mel’s rage… :(  It was sooo disappointing to hear his drunken racial rants, and now his enraged racial rants at his trashy russian girlfriend, he’s just gone down fucking hill since he left his wife. She was his ROCK. She helped him get thru his ruff patches of alcoholism and stupidisms, and how does he repay her ?? by cheating on her with the russian floozy. I half think that the hate he is projecting at her is what he feels inside for himself…he must realize what a loser he’s turned into. Still i love/hate him. I can’t help it, i do. dammit mel, get it together.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Goood Morning VietNAM!!!!!

Ok, so NOOO i’m not in Vietnam, but i effin feel like i’d rather be. This post is part hypothetical and part actual. You figure out which part is which cause i’ve about had it today!!

So….hypothetically speaking….the daughter comes home from her last day at summer school and texts her (hypothetical) mom and says she FLUNKED summer school!!!! EASY-PEASY lousy waste of a summer summer-school. And the hypothetical wonderful hypothetical husband overdraws the account, and there’s a Mid-term tomorrow and fuck if I remember a THING from lecture and what am I doing? Well i’m hypothetically, actually typing this blog which is half rant half pity party.



Sunday, July 25, 2010

First Things First

First of all, can i get a maid please???

My name is Liza. And i want a maid. Not just any maid...i can find someone to mop and vaccuum, i mean i need like the type of maid Paris Hilton must have...u know, one that you cant see, but you know its that silently cleans out a room once you've exited it? One that cleans and does dishes and laundry and organizes. Oh and it can cook once in a while if it wants to....i mean, who am i to cramp its creative outlet?

Okay...well, since i dont have Paris's money (i think her dog has more money than i do) i guess i have to do this on my own. I'd take a pic of the chaos, but i cant f'in find the power cord to juice up my fabulous camera!!

So now you're probably wondering if i'm one of those craaazy hoarders. If i say NO would you really believe me anyway? I watch that show and they always say, "no way...i'm not a hoarder" as if you called them a whore or something. Maybe if the guilty were just called "slob-oles" they would admit to that. It sounds less serious than HOARder. lol

To answer the question, i'd say i'm a slobole....whaddya want from me?? lol hey maybe i could play hoarder (it wouldnt be too much of a stretch) and REALLY junk up my house, i mean, really let stuff pile up....then i could call the show Hoarders and have them clean it all out and organize it FOR me...
come on....dont pretend you havent thought of it before.....poser!!

Sometimes i wonder if i was a man in a past life....or a princess....i mean, really, why cant i just do this stuff? Other women are experts at this home life jazz, not me. Once i went to therapy and i tried to explain to the person that i have this problem with being lazy and i dont know why....the therapist was like, oh dont worry about it, you're being to hard on yourself. hahahaha, ok just deny the problem and it will go away? some therapist!!

Anyhow, this is just one part of my home. I'm sitting in my bed, looking at the clothes on the floor and the clean ones on TOP of the dresser, and the half empty (half full?) bottles of water that i MUST have at bedtime scattered on my nighttable and onto the floor, the OLD airconditioner still sitting on the floor directly underneath the newly installed one (i blame this move on hubby), and the list could go on....

As for my life in general, I'm happily married...still a newlywed!! Our first anniversary is coming up this fall...i have a daughter from a prior marriage, she's 13 and full of attitude, sorta like sugar and spice and some times not nice, and 3 cats. We live in a 3 bedroom house which is locally called a "rowhome" and we need more space. This is part of what i blame on my messiness. NO space!! But... is only part of the problem. And no, this blog wont be alllll about my slobbiness, god if it was, i'd have to say wow, i really DONT have a life, hehehe, but i do... and we'll get to that later.

This Lazy Liza short-take has been brought to you by Lazy Liza inc. LOL